Of Playthings and Puppets

As I wrote last entry, I enjoyed myself several hours of Halo 3 rank Living Dead madness over the weekend, sucking all the life from my free time and leading to a very bored fiance. For those of you who haven’t played Living Dead… what the Hell is wrong with you? It’s not only the best gametype found within the FPS, but it’s only ranked 3 days of the year. That’s right, only Halloween weekend. Sadly, I again missed grabbing a 50 (the highest) due to playing far less than I did last year, though I did manage a respectable 41 for my time. Maybe next year….

But this isn’t about Halo 3. Or zombies. Well, maybe a little of the latter. You see, as I already mentioned, this past weekend was Halloween. Halloween! A night of ghouls and goblins and… uh… oh yeah, ghosts (a whole other meaning to “3G” huh?). Those of you who celebrate Halloween likely do it in many different ways. Hell, I even know a girl who has a birthday party that day. Certainly we can’t all go out and expect to get candy from strangers… unless it’s “candy” instead, which, you know, could mean oh so many wondrous things.

Yet I think that if you DO celebrate (there are far too many who DON’T) Halloween, there are certain ways to do it, almost all of which correspond to age. Let’s see if we can break this down a bit.

Ages 1-2ish: You probably can’t walk yet, let alone suck on some candy, so unless you’ve got some older siblings, you’re probably not going out beyond your house. Doesn’t mean you aren’t dressing up, though. You might go out in this (ain’t that friggin adorable? My God).

Ages 2ish-maybe 12: Now it’s candy time. “Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!” Butterfingers, Skittles, Almond Joys, Reese’s, Krackle, Hershey’s, etc. and so forth all get lobbed into a random plastic bucket to be enjoyed either later that night or for the next few months. Some parents like to stiff their kids though when they check them for razors; always be wary of that. Oh, there’s also dressing up. That’s pretty fun, too. I think the Power Rangers and TMNT were the big ones growing up for me… don’t rightly remember what I wore now, though.

Ages 13-17: Ah, high school stupidity. Not content to go around at night only anymore, we now rock the halls in our outfits and later do one of three things: go scare kids or generally mess with people; go to a party and maybe get drunk; or go home and do nothing. Maybe a combination of the three. ‘Course, if you’ve got younger siblings at this point, it’s a completely different bag o’ tricks.

Ages 18-21: College stupidity now! Dressing up in slutty or stupid outfits never gets better than it does now, and with all the booze flying around campus this weekend, what better way to say “Hi” to the pretty chick than to drunkenly compliment her on her barely-there witches costume. Conversely, it’s a good time to see just how creative your man is, or just how far he’ll go to look like the biggest douche in the land.

Ages 22-28: This frame varies on a number of things, especially if you’re going to grad school and if you manage to land a job. You might be doing just what you did during college or you might not be doing anything at all. Then again, maybe you’re carving pumpkins with the person you loved or watching scary movie marathons. Whatever you choose, if you’re even remotely showing some kind of maturity, celebrating Halloween is starting to get a little… tiring.

Ages 29-40: Now it gets interesting. If you have kids, you’re starting the whole cycle over again, dressing them up in cute Superman costumes (cause, really, it never gets old) and getting candy out for other children. If you don’t have any, chances are you’re now going to “adult” costume parties, places with spiked (and non-) apple cider, background music instead of noise you can barely talk over, and people you actually wouldn’t mind seeing instead of the random slut in her latest “Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all!” costume.

Ages 41-60: Maybe you take the kids out for Halloween, dragging them down city streets with a flashlight to make sure Michael Jackson look-a-likes don’t snatch them when you aren’t looking, or maybe you’re sitting at home, carving your pumpkin and giving out candy to whomever comes knocking. It’s enjoyable. Relaxing. And you remember why Halloween was fun in the first place as you realize you’re not getting any younger.

Ages 61+: At this point, you’re probably not going to the costume parties anymore, what with that sore leg, and your ex always showing up with his/her new beau. The kids are busy doing their own thing now, so you’ve got to fend for yourself. Maybe you have a drink. Maybe you just do whatever you do every other night. At this point, it’s either special or it isn’t. And, once you hit the end, just knowing you’re alive and able to chomp down a Milky Way should you feel like it is enough to keep you feeling rather chipper.